Prayer has been a part of my life from an early age. I was raised in the Church of the Brethren, where my parents were deacons. As I matured, my faith in God guided and strengthened me. This story is about a time my faith was tested in a real way by unanswered prayer.
Tim Speicher and I fell in love and were married in June of 1983. We were very happy to begin our new life together and, not long after, decided to start a family. When pregnancy did not happen in about a year, we went through infertility tests. The results came back that I had Stage Four Endometriosis. Our ensuing eight-year journey to conceive included two major surgeries, various procedures, and finally two IVF attempts. When I turned forty, we stopped treatment since we had exhausted all that medical science had to offer.
We both had prayed to God for a biological child to love and nurture. It was not to be. Thankfully, our marriage stayed strong as we each grieved in our own way. While we knew adoption was a loving opportunity, we did not feel it was the right option for us.
Not being able to conceive left me disappointed and, most of all, grieving. In my youth, I envisioned a life that might include meaningful work, a husband, and children. After I married a very special Christian man, the possibility of motherhood came into focus. We both tried to imagine which one of us our baby would favor. Being denied something that society and Christians viewed as a special blessing from God was heartbreaking.
In my grief, singing certain hymns in church was difficult. One was “Great Is Thy Faithfulness,” based on Lamentations 3:22-23 (NRSVUE):
“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never end; They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
At that time, I could not feel God’s compassion or faithfulness, but instead felt sad and angry. Christmas, birthdays, Mother’s Day, and baby showers became agonizing celebrations. There were many dark days. To work through my grief, I read scripture, perused self-help books, and shared my story with counselors and spiritual leaders. Gradually, my childhood view of an authoritarian father God, who micromanages our lives, changed to a belief in a loving parent who walks beside us as we go through our disappointments and suffering.
At the age of forty-four, I emerged with a new purpose—a call from God to become a chaplain. I realized there are many people who are wounded and need someone to listen. After visiting Lancaster Theological Seminary (LTS) in Pennsylvania, I enrolled as a full-time student. Soon my church offered support by licensing me to the ministry in the Church of the Brethren. After three years at LTS, I graduated in 2002 with a Master of Divinity degree. Then I completed a one-year chaplaincy internship at the Milton S. Hershey Medical Center in Hershey, PA. In May of 2003, I became ordained in the Church of the Brethren.
After my training ended, I worked for hospice agencies and retirement communities. God blessed me as I ministered by listening to the needs of others, praying, and sharing scripture. I truly believed I was on sacred ground as I sang hymns to those who were dying.
During a chaplaincy certification interview a question was asked, “How has your barrenness affected your ministry?” I was shocked by her use of the term since neither I nor anyone else had called me barren. I fumbled through my answer. Today, I would say that I have become more understanding of the struggles of humankind, for it appears that many of us have been wounded by some life circumstance.
I am now retired from chaplaincy, and Tim is a retired pastor. We enjoy our life at Brethren Village, a retirement community in Lititz, PA, where we recently celebrated forty-one years of marriage. We cherish each other and the life we built together despite the lifelong void infertility imposed on us. God gave us peace and love as well as special nieces and nephews.
As we celebrate Thanksgiving, let us thank God for our many blessings in life. May we have a deep and abiding faith in a God who walks beside us through both the happy times and the sad. Despite my unanswered prayer, I can affirm that God listened to my anger, pain, and disappointment so I could move forward in life. May God give you peace and comfort as you face whatever difficulties you encounter, and struggle through any unanswered prayers.
Jill Keyser Speicher
Freelance Writer
Ordained Minister, Church of the Brethren, Atlantic Northeast District
Member, Lititz Church of the Brethren
Lives at Brethren Village, Lititz, PA
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