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By Jennifer Bartsch
timbrel, November-December 2005
Four years into my journey with parenting, I’ve learned there’s truth in that old saying: What goes around comes around. Or as Jesus put it, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matt. 7:1-2).
Before I had children, I had many ideas about what a child should be. I thought that shaping a child to be a moral, responsible, emotionally intelligent person would be easy.
I would observe friends’ toddlers throwing temper tantrums in church, refusing to eat anything but hotdogs, kicking when it was time for a diaper change, and so on. I had theories as to why children behaved in these ways, and I was sure that, with my superior parenting skills, these obnoxious behaviors would never occur in my home.
But then I did have my own children. And these behaviors do occur in my home. I think back to the easy answers I once had, and I wonder if God is teaching me a lesson about judging by giving me particularly strong-willed little boys to test my parenting theories.
As a new parent, I thought I could win battles of the will by consistently enforcing my word as law. I sometimes wore myself out with my own stubbornness. When Quinn was about 18 months old, playing in the garbage can fascinated him. I would tell him “no” firmly and then distract him. Sometimes, feeling like a failure, I would move the garbage can to another room. Problem solved, right? But at the time, I felt that I was failing to teach him to obey.
Now, looking back, I find my attitude laughable. By the time Quinn was 2, he found the garbage to be as “yucky” as I do and had no desire whatsoever to play with it. He didn’t need me to set up a power struggle; he needed me to give him time to figure out for himself, by observing others and using his nose, that the garbage can is not a good toy box!
I wanted so much to avoid a permissive parenting style that I was going to the other extreme, expecting too much out of my young child and remaining locked into the hierarchical notion that I was the supreme authority over my child and that his only duty was not to think but to obey. Even though I rejected the old spare-the-rod, spoil-the-child adage, I still used reward/punishment systems that were demeaning to my child and wearisome for both of us.
As I sounded off my frustrations to my husband, my mother, my friends, it began to dawn on me: I needed to look no farther for guidance in parenting than the Golden Rule: “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you” (Matt. 7:12).
Would I want to have an authority figure like that in my life, a boss, teacher, or spouse who expected total, immediate obedience? If I disagreed with an order, would I like to be labeled a “back-talker” and punished for it? Would I like to have to “earn” going out for supper with my husband by getting my chores done cheerfully all week? And would these methods help me be a better person, or simply convince me to not get caught breaking the rules?
I wouldn’t treat anyone else with the kind of tyranny that I sometimes subjected my own children to. Why not teach my children in the way I would like to be taught, giving them the same respect I would like to receive?
Giving up authoritarian control over children involves faith. I have to trust in their good intentions, believe in their ability to think for themselves, and feel sure that my own habits and lifestyle will provide a good model for them to make moral choices as they get older. But parenting also involves seeking the wisdom to know when children do need limits and external control, as in unsafe or unhealthy situations.
I am beginning to understand Jesus’ invitation to the little children (Luke 10:15-17 and elsewhere). I am learning to relax in social situations with my children, inviting them to be a part of the activity, welcoming the spontaneity they bring. Often parents are like the disciples, stifling children’s exuberance and not allowing them to bring their unique perspective to the world of adults. We are like Pharisees, worrying about what other people think of our children’s behavior, feeling threatened by their strides toward independence.
Parenting is an expression of my spiritual journey. Gentleness does not always come easily, even to a mother. Sometimes it takes all my energy to respond to childish behavior with empathy. But if we are not afraid to show our children compassionate qualities, children likewise will trust us enough to mirror them. What comes around will go around.
If I choose forgiveness instead of punishment, trust instead of suspicion, self-control instead of angry outbursts, humility instead of self-importance, then as my children mature, they will choose these, too.
I have faith that this is so, and my daily prayer is that I can live up to this sacred responsibility called parenting.
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