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By Katie Cunningham
timbrel, March-April 2001
One of the many blessings of my ministry with persons 75 and older has been to listen to their family stories and faith journeys. As we review their joys and losses, most are able to see how God has walked with them and claim the promise of Romans 8:28: “All things work together for good to those who love the Lord and live according to his purpose.”
Yet when older persons are very ill and fear they may be facing the end of life, many question their salvation. These are people who accepted Christ years ago, have read the Bible through many times, and were active members of their churches. Why do the doubts come now?
As older persons go through their first major health crisis, they may experience multiple losses and changes in a short period of time. Life feels out of control. They may face:
• The death of a spouse and/or separation from siblings or children, leaving them to “go it alone” for possibly the first time.
• Change of living quarters into smaller space or a nursing home, sometimes resulting in less privacy. They must sell or give away treasures they no longer have space for.
• Health conditions which greatly limit their physical participation in church and community life. They may become dependent on others for help with driving, household jobs, finances, etc. Chronic pain may make daily tasks a struggle.
• High medical expenses, especially for prescription drugs, hearing aids, and eyeglasses which are not covered by Medicare or many insurance policies, yet are needed more than ever.
• Changes in physical appearance and self image.
• Depression, in which they have little or no energy or appetite and spiral deeper into despair.
No wonder many faith questions arise. Some might wonder, Why is this happening to me? I have tried so hard to do the right thing and to be faithful.
Or why is my husband suffering so? Is he being punished for his sinfulness? Does God really keep his promises?
Some may think they simply lack faith: The pastor and elders anointed my husband, but he hasn’t been healed. Did I not pray enough? Believe enough? Why hasn’t God answered my prayers?
How do you help someone you love through tough issues during times of loss?
Invite them to share by acknowledging how difficult this would be for you. Encourage them to share the depth of their feelings of pain and loss. Listen. Do not attempt to provide quick solutions.
Let them know they are not alone in their suffering. Search together for stories of Bible characters (Job, Jesus, Hagar, the widow of Zarephath) or great Christians who also suffered and their responses. Reread the Psalms, which express the whole range of human praise as well as lament to God (for example, see Psalms 22-23).
Acknowledge that God is sovereign and that we do not know all the answers in this life. As the scriptures tell us, “For now we see in a mirror dimly but then we shall see face to face” (1 Cor. 13:12); “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?” (Job 38:4, NIV); “O Lord, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth” (Psalm 8:1).
Note that healing comes in different forms—sometimes physical healing, sometimes healing of the spirit. Even the people whom Jesus cured eventually died. What matters most is that God promises to be faithful to us and walk with us through our struggles. God does not promise to answer every prayer in the way that we ask. God’s ways are not our ways.
Ask them about favorite scripture passages which promise faithfulness and share those that speak powerfully to you. Some of my favorites include:
• “God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble. Therefore I will not fear!” (Ps. 46:1).
• “Do not fear for I have redeemed you. . . . When you walk through the waters, I will be with you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned. . . . For I am the Lord your God; you are precious in my sight and honored, and I love you” (Isa. 43:1-5).
• “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. . .” (Isa. 40:28-31).
• “We have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us. We are afflicted in every way but not crushed. . . . Therefore, we do not lose heart” (2 Cor. 4:7-12, 16-18).
• “For I am convinced that neither death nor life . . . nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Rom. 8:18, 37-38).
Help them recall times when God has been faithful to them. Draw with them a timeline of significant events in their lives. Discuss another time when they felt as discouraged as they do now. From where did they draw their strength during that difficult time? What resources do they have to draw upon now?
Encourage them to keep a journal which records where they have seen God at work each day, ways they have sinned as well as ways they have been faithful. Journals can be tape-recorded as well as written. Challenge them to list five things a day they’re grateful for, and go over the whole list together on your next visit.
Encourage them to reach out to someone else. Who else is discouraged or lonely? All of us need prayer warriors backing us up!
Ask how you can pray with them today, and also promise to pray for them in the coming weeks. Check in with them periodically with questions that get beyond the superficial: “Any tough times this week?” “What is getting easier/better?” “When did you feel God’s presence?”
As fellow sisters in Christ, we are on a journey together. Each new stage of life has its joys and its struggles. Take time to nourish your own relationship with the Lord. Then make time to visit someone who feels isolated.
Be present and listen more than give advice. Share stories and journeys. Allow them to grieve their losses, then gently lead them out of their despair. This takes time. If your loved one seems very depressed or appears unable to respond to your attempts to encourage him or her, please let your pastor know.
When we visit older adults, we have the opportunity to be a blessing to them. Yet I always come away richer than I was when I went—blessed by the people I go to bless! Praise the Lord!
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