The Kitchen Table
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The Kitchen Table
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 | February 2010
It’s February – the month that has the least amount of days but seems to be the longest month of the year as we wait for spring. In the bleak of winter, this is the month everything in the mall is covered in red, hearts and glitter.
For those in a marriage relationship Valentine’s Day offers the opportunity to express our love in special ways. It can also be a reminder that the freshness of new love can wear thin. One definition given for marriage that I tucked away some years ago went something like this, “marriage is two ordinary people working on an impossible dream.”
The story is told of a Jewish couple who went to their Rabbi to receive counsel for a marital conflict. The Rabbi suggested that they begin with the husband telling his side of the story. The husband finished by asking, “Am I right?” The Rabbi responded, “You are right.” Then the wife was asked to tell her side and when she concluded asked, “Am I right?” The Rabbi said, “You are right.” The couple looked at each other somewhat confused and the husband said, “We can’t both be right!” To which the Rabbi responded, “You are right.”
The “who is right” stories can be heard just about any place women gather - Christian or non-Christian, work place or church gatherings. In the journey of sister-care we will find ourselves in the dilemma of being asked who is right. It is difficult to listen to the heart cry of another without taking sides. Our compassion reaches out to comfort the hurt one. |
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Sister-Care
conference role
Lorraine Eby has accepted a unique position in Franklin Conference bringing Mennonite Women USA’s Sister-Care to a conference role.
Darrell Baer, Franklin conference minister, said he thought Eby’s position should connect to the whole conference by serving on the conference board. At this time, the board also hoped to send a new voice to Constituency Leaders Council (CLC), along with Baer and Allen Lehman, moderator. “This gives her a platform for her position,” says Baer. Eby will work closely with the Franklin conference MW executive committee who proposed this position to the conference as a way of strengthening the ministry of Mennonite Women with in the local congregations.
Lorraine says, “The important part of this assignment for me is to find ways to support women in the congregations, to encourage women to care for one other and to affirm each other's gifts."
Lorraine and her husband, Don, are members of the Marion Mennonite Church in Chambersburg, Pa., where she serves as minister of church life. She is the coordinator for church and community relations at Menno Haven Retirement Communities in Chambersburg.
As Sister-Care coordinator she writes a monthly column for The Burning Bush titled “The Kitchen Table.” |
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Believing that conflict can be resolved by establishing who is right and how did it happen is one of life’s greatest myths, according to Dr. Gary Smalley in his book, The DNA of Relationships. Smalley proposes that conflicts rarely get resolved this way and he writes, “This method is a totally useless pursuit.”
So how does conflict get resolved? In Romans 14:13, the apostle Paul gives some thought to healthy relationships, “Let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in another’s way.” Smalley suggests that placing blame on another creates a stumbling block or breakdown in communication. “When a person feels emotionally heard and understood they tend to relax because they feel respected or feel you really care about them. Eventually they will be able to move toward determining right and wrong.”
Hurtful words and actions from others can strike a deep fear within the receiver. The reaction to the fear produces a hurtful response that in turn creates fear in the offender. Smalley calls this the fear dance, hurtful words create fear and hurtful responses create fear. As long as the “dance” goes on, conflict will not be resolved. To stop the fear dance each party needs to bare some responsibility for their part in the conflict.
When walking beside a sister in conflict, it is important to listen to the anger and the hurt and show understanding without taking sides. A way to be helpful may be to carefully guide our friend to focus on how God wants to use the conflict to bring change in both individuals. Encourage your sister to “…Seek God with an open mind, knowing that your journey with Me involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind,” Romans 12:2, paraphrased by Sarah Young from her book, Jesus Is Calling.
Lorraine Eby
Coordinator of Sister Care, Franklin Conference, South Central Pennsylvania, northern Maryland
Used by permission of The Burning Bush newsletter of Franklin Conference.
The Kitchen Table
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| January 2010
I was about age five, attending a special weekend meeting with my parents and the church was packed with extra chairs in the aisles. When the children were called to the front for story time, the only seating space was on the steps of the platform.
The lesson for the children’s time was obedience. The guest preacher quoted the first part of Ephesians 6:1, “Children obey your parents…” and asked if anyone could finish the verse. I boldly raised my hand, confident I knew the correct answer, and belted out, “for this is right and good in the sight of the Lord.” There was complete silence for a moment and then the audience broke into laughter at the little girl who misquoted the scripture. I was mortified and wished I could vanish like magic. The visiting speaker attempted to redeem the moment by carefully making the correction that perhaps I was thinking of another verse but the laughter of adults and the shame I experienced already left its impression.
Memories, pleasant or unpleasant, become part of our life story. They can shape us in positive or negative ways. They form our understanding of how we view ourselves in relation to our world. It becomes our lens of interpreting life or our perception of life.
The church full of laughing adults had no idea the little girl in the children’s meeting would remember this incidence for years to come. I really didn’t understand the cause of the laughter until the evangelist made the correction but I perceived that I did something very foolish. That was my perception.
The reality is adults love to observe children and their responses. We are inspired by their innocence and find humor in their behavior because adults have all been children. But a child thinks as a child and doesn’t understand the full picture. We carry our childhood impressions along with us into our adult life. They become part of our memory bank, shaping the perception of ourselves, influencing our self-talk.
There are no perfect parents or spiritual leaders. We are all part of a sinful world, shaped by the imperfect behavior of others and in need of a Savior to redeem us. As women, we are good at carrying hurtful memories and letting them fester inside us in silence for years, believing the “lies” that we perceived to be “truth” as a child, or as one person describes as “the mice who build nests when you aren’t looking and eat up all your happiness.”
God wants to redeem us from the chain of negative memories by “forgetting what lies behind, and straining forward...” (Philippians 3:13b) Sharing our stories with a caring sister is one of the ways we can break the chain of negative memories by bringing them out of the closets of our mind and voicing them to another. The “light of Christ” can shine through the love and concern of another sister who cares and can help guide us to “truth”. What a great way to begin a new year by letting go of the “clutter” of the past and receiving God’s healing touch for our future!
Lorraine Eby
Coordinator of Sister Care, Franklin Conference, South Central Pennsylvania, northern Maryland
Used by permission of The Burning Bush newsletter of Franklin Conference.
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| The Kitchen Table |
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December 2009
“Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright…” Each year when I first hear this familiar Christmas carol the memories of past Christmas celebrations come to mind. It brings joy as I anticipate celebrating the birth of Jesus with my family and church family. But along with the joy, some sadness comes. The carol triggers the memory of my grandmother’s death during the month of December some 30 years ago.
Celebrations and holidays are very painful times for those who are grieving. The Christmas carols are reminders that someone will be missing from the family table this year; a spouse, child, parent, grandchild, or maybe a stillborn infant. If the loss was experienced recently, they are wondering how the world can go on like nothing has changed when everything has changed for them. Sisters in these households are feeling alone in their loss while the world around them is celebrating.
Reaching out appropriately to someone in grief appears to come easily for some. For others, it does not come naturally. The pain we see in another can trigger deep emotions of fear within ourselves that force us to look at our own mortality. We don’t understand the process of grief very well and feel uncertain about what to do that is helpful. In fear of doing the wrong thing, I am guilty of doing nothing.
Some of us are “fixers” and want to make it all better again as quickly as we can. I am learning that the grief process is not that simple. Some time ago I clipped this quote, “Grief is not a problem to be solved, or a disorder to be cured; it is a process to be lived.” Grief counselor Doug Manning writes, “Grief ignored does not just go away. It internalizes and comes out in some other way.”
Here are some suggestions gleaned from the writings of grief counselors that may be helpful in caring for someone learning to live with loss.
Look for opportunities to be involved. Offer to do grocery shopping and/or baking. Grieving is exhausting and doing holiday baking and shopping may take too much energy and effort this year. If this is the first holiday without a loved one, take a meal to the house. Or invite the family to your home and place a photo or a lighted candle on the table in memory of the deceased. Sending a note to let your sister know you are thinking of her during the holidays is something anyone can do.
Be a good listener. Take time to be present and really pay attention. People in grief want to be heard and you may need to listen more than once to the same story. Bring some flowers, brew some tea, or light a candle and sit relaxed. Good listening shows you care and words aren’t always necessary.
Allow your sister to grieve in her own way. Avoid judgmental statements that could make her feel that her behavior is not appropriate. Grieving takes time and many forms as each individual will respond differently. Some may want to escape over the holidays and spend the time away. Others will want to have family and friends around them. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Coming to terms with a loss brings out the God questions as expressed in Psalm 88:14, “Why, O Lord, do you hide your face from me?” We can be the “face” of God in our ministry of sister-care, assuring that God does care and we care.
Lorraine Eby
Coordinator of Sister Care, Franklin Conference, South Central Pennsylvania, northern Maryland
Used by permission of The Burning Bush newsletter of Franklin Conference.
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The Kitchen Table
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| November 2009
My grandmother, Nora Eshleman, had an interesting room upstairs in her house. It had no bedroom furniture. Instead the room was furnished with about six sewing machines lined around the room.
As a child I wondered why grandma had so many sewing machines in one room. I learned that once a month women from her church gathered there to sew for relief. Known as the Sewing Circle, they sewed patches together to make “comfort” tops and pre-cut clothing items from Mennonite Central Committee. Others knotted comforts on an extension table in the center of the room.
Some congregations had space in their buildings to accommodate sewing machines and the Sewing Circle would meet in the church. As a young child, I often accompanied my mother and remember listening to the conversations between the women as they sewed.
In reflecting, I am aware there was more going on at the Sewing Circle than women keeping sewing machines humming for relief. Women were in conversation with one another, listening to each other, sharing their faith stories, affirming one another, exchanging cooking and housekeeping tips and parenting/grandparenting skills. Women of different generations caring for each other in much the same way as women did in earlier times when they came together at the quilting bees or prepared meals for large groups of men at a barn raising.
As women entered the workforce in the 70’s, the interest in Sewing Circles in Franklin Conference and church wide began to diminish. In today’s fast-paced world, how are women caring for one another or affirming each other’s gifts? As families are scattered by distance where do women turn when they are troubled or feel alone in their faith journey? Where are the opportunities for the “older women to teach the younger women?”
It happens as women become sensitive to other women and intentionally reach out to listen and encourage one other. It may be while sitting together watching their children at a school sporting event, doing projects at CVRC, meeting one-on-one at a local restaurant or at the kitchen table over a cup of tea. It can happen in conversation after worship service. As a young mother I sometimes received “a gift of love” in a phone call from one of my older “sisters” telling me I was missed at church when I stayed at home with a sick child. That is what “sister care” is all about, sisters caring for one another.
In this column the focus will be on ways women connect in Franklin Conference today, whether working on mission and service projects together or finding other ways to reach out and share the journey with one another. How have you been encouraged by another sister? Your story is important and we want to share it at “The Kitchen Table.” Send to 1278 Sollenberger Road, Chambersburg or email to donloreby1@embarqmail.com
Lorraine Eby
Coordinator of Sister Care, Franklin Conference, South Central Pennsylvania, northern Maryland
Used by permission of The Burning Bush newsletter of Franklin Conference. |
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